if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
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