On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Randomize
