Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
40s are totally the cure
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Randomize
