I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
