I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
