Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
