take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
