That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
