long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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