The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
