im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
Randomize
