let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
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