i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Randomize
