i think i have two assholes
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I JUST REALIZED HOW SOFT YOUR TABLE IS! and I also just started rolling
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize