my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize