you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
