So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
