He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
i out mim tonsoeep
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