I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
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