I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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