He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
