Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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