I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
