I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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