you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize