Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Randomize
