And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
