Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.
This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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