Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
After last night, I could never be a politician.
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
