'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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