Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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