The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
