Jerry, you need to find god
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
