What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Randomize
