guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
Terrible idea I love it
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize