I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
