I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I met his dad. Turns out he was a one nighter from the nurses conference in Vegas. Not sure how to handle this one.
Clearly, you already have. Both of them.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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