he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
