new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
