After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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