And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
