I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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