i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
