tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
