I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
