Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus
tequila?
yep
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
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