My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.
yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.
Do you have to put it that way?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think his roommates are using word magnets to tell me that they can hear us. His fridge currently says, "Chris ate out naughty girl."
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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