wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
