Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
We don't watch enough power rangers
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Randomize