Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
