I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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