You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
