I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
