I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
my phone needs a breathalizer
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Randomize
